Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
