She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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