Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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