Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
