Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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