Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
we should paint friendship bongs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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