I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
