he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
