Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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