Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
