If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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