My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
