you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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