never play flip cup with pint glasses
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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