Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Boobs speak an international language.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
