a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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