Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
