Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
