my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
