I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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