I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
