he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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