You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
