I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
