I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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