Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
