i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
