Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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