i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
