I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
