It's Friday. Sex?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
