I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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