What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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