if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
