Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
