Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
