fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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