The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
