I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
