My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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