look no pants
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
