Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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