I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
