Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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