i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
