so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
