Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
