dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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