I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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