Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
