Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
