she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
