Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
