lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
should my penis look like a turkey
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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