I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize