she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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