Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I will be naked everywhere
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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