xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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