My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize