I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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