you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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