the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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