First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
love makes seman taste better
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize