drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
How external is "for external use only"?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
